Well, it's been a while since I've written anything on here.  Essentially, my life has been on overdrive since August.  Lots of things have happened to me as a person, and the work load in graduate school has been absolutely insane.  There is plenty I could talk about, but for now, I'm going to hone in on a recent occurance, the Elementary Physics Qualifier.

The Elementary Qualifier is a test that is given to all Masters/Ph.D. oriented graduate students in the physics department.  The test's purpose is not to weed people out of the program, but to prove that you can perform Freshman/Sophomore level physics from undergraduate school.  However, do not let this description fool you.  The test is not easy.  It is upper-echelon "simple" physics, and since it draws from a variety of sub-disciplines (classical mechanics, electricity and magnetism, circuit theory, thermodynamics, optics, relativity, and quantum mechanics), there is an immense amount of material to intuitively understand and perform.  The difficultly from test to test, although considered relatively equal, varies quite a bit.  Overall, you may get what seems to be an "easy" test, in which very classic problems are presented, or a "hard" test in which the material in each sub-discipline is slightly more obscure and less likely to be in your mind.  So, as you see, this is not a test to take lightly.

To emphasize another particular point, let me mention that all graduate students have two opportunities to pass.  If you fail the test twice, you're out of the program.  No questions asked.

So, I took this test last night.  I stayed the full three hours, checked off 10 of the 12 questions to be graded, and turned my test in.  You would think turning this test in and then going out to grab a drink at the bar would be a relief, and I would not have this test on my mind anymore.  That's not true.  Instead, I kept rethinking how I answered the questions, and asked my friends how they answered the questions.  Then, after checking some things today on previous tests, in my textbook, and online, I've come to one sure conclusion as to my performance:

I failed the Elementary Qualifier.

Yep, you heard right.  Granted, I won't actually know my final score for a good two to three weeks, but I see the writing on the wall, I know how numerous my mistakes were, and the times were I outright guessed/bullshitted my way to some figure.  It would take some rather sympathetic grading for me to pass this.  I'm about 95% sure I failed this test.

Once again, a general, over-emcompassing physics test has completely humbled me.  The same thing happened on the Physics GRE, and it took a phone call from Dr. Day for me to even be in graduate school in the first place.  Now, even after being told to study well beforehand during the summer, I ignored the advice, and thought I could just lounge around and work at Eckerd, and not actually apply myself during this time period.

Then, the school year began, and the work load seemed managable at first, and then it kicked into high gear suddenly and unexpectedly.  I've begun spending 12-14 hours per day at the university, and even that hasn't felt like enough time to get everything done.  I feel like I'm constantly behind on my work, and not by choice.  Truth be told, graduate school makes undergraduate school look like a joke by comparison.

I didn't get much studying in before the test.  I went over a few back-qualifiers, and I felt like I pinned down the concepts I didn't understand.  But, like on the GRE, I tried to cram this all in my head much too fast.  Certain concepts were remembered backwards.  Others I completely forgot.  Then there were the concepts that I simply didn't review, but a day's worth of reading would have remedied that problem and would have given me the opportunity to answer two more questions completely and accurately.  Basically, I screwed myself, and I have no one to blame but myself for this.

I'm probably the only person who failed the qualifier.  Everyone was out of it, but it seemed like they had a better grasp on the concepts than I did.  I'll be honest: I'm embarrassed.  Here I am, wanting to be a Theorist, and I'll probably be the only person in my year that failed the qualifier on his first shot.  What does that say?

What's worse, is that I KNOW I am capable of doing this stuff, and doing it well.  If there is anyone I let down, it is myself.  I consider myself proficient at physics theory, and to slack and let this happen is inexcusable.  I have a lot to prove now, to show that I wasn't a "one-hit wonder" while I was in undergraduate school, and that I haven't already peaked and have no more potential.

I did not respect the Elementary Qualifier, plain and simple.

There is something to learn here though, and since I have a second shot, this may be a good thing.  This is a sort of a wakeup call telling me that I need to get very serious about my studying habits if I'm going to make it through graduate school.  My last minute cramming sessions from undergraduate schools won't cut it anymore.  It needs to be a constant procedure of review and integration.  I'm no longer going to be able to retain information simply by listening to lectures and taking sparse notes.  I need to read my textbooks over and over.  I need to read my undergraduate texts just as much.  I need to respect the difficultly of physics and the future exams I will be encountering.

So, although this entry has been rather negative in tone, there is hope for the future.  I get a second chance.  Not many people get that.  I have something to learn from this, and I believe I have.  Natural talent means shit at this level.  It's all about preparation and involvement.  Time management needs to be done correctly. 

Tomorrow I get to "cleanse" myself in a way by taking the Applied Mathematics exam.  I know the material well enough, and after tonight, I know I can currently teach it to another individual with a level of clarity.  I need to prove to myself that I can still do well, that I can destroy an exam if I prepare for it.  I have no other option than to do very well on this exam.  I must.

Afterwards, I will have to begin my review of undergraduate physics proper, starting with general physics, at a pace that makes sense (ie, less time on mechanics, more on thermo, E&M, and optics).  Since my time is limited during the semester, I'll need to be careful with how I deal with it, but during Thanksgiving and Winter break, I NEED to buckle down.

I will do this properly, and I will prove that I deserve to stay in the department and get a Ph.D.  I've been humbled, but now I'm determined.  And those that know me are aware of the things I can do when I am determined about proving something.