Well, it's the conclusion of my 22nd birthday.  Rather uneventful day.  I imagine all post-21 birthdays are like that, heh.  It's all downhill from here...

Well, here we go.  The entry I planned to write ever since college came to its conclusion.  I've written one of these after every school year came to an end, and this year is no different.  Now, what I want to do is post something from a previous entry, from about one year ago.  It was the entry in which I summed up my junior year, and commented about my freshman and sophomore year as well.  So, here we go:

Freshman Year: Being the new guy once again.  This year I found where a lot of my interests lay, and made some decisions that permanently shaped the path I was to follow through college, including my involvement in the theatre program and joining Sinfonia.  However, socially, I was still awkward and confused.  I hadn't become totally comfortable with being myself, and I was still shy and somewhat unconfident, particularly when it came to social matters.  My personal identity was in a state of constant flux, and I found myself questioning the values of friendship and patience.  The year for me ended on a down note, and I was eager to get home.

This summary of freshman year still holds true, and even a year later, I find nothing to really alter.

Sophomore Year: A year of transformation.  Since I knew where my interests were, I no longer had to worry about that.  Instead, what this year saw was the beginning of a personal transformation.  I, through directing a play and dealing with some uncomfortable social situations, started to become more self-confident and assertive.  I was starting to let my real self out more, and I started to develop some new, lasting friendships.  I began to contribute more to Sinfonia and the theatre.  I started to understand the politics of the college more, and I started to become less naive when it came to the motives of individuals.  My opinions on a lot of people changed that year.  Some for the better, some for the worse.  However, I feel like I finally began to understand what friendship is, and what it means to be a leader.  This year ended a lot more pleasantly.

Once again, this rings true.  As I realized this year, my college experience was divided into two eras, which were split into my first two years, and my last two years.  The groups I interacted with were quite different in those first two years, although by the end of my sophomore year, I saw the path I had to follow.  If I had to pinpoint where I really began to develop my true sense of self, it would be the end of sophomore year, when I began to load on the responsibilities, such as becoming treasurer of Sinfonia and president of Wig and Buckle, and when I had to make some life-altering decisions about the groups of people with which I wished to associate myself.  I was a socially naive and an (arguably) innocent person when I entered college, and I still did not have a strong sense of self.  My sophomore year challenged this facet of my persona.  I could have faced this during my freshman year, but I ran away from it.  I hid and made excuses.  By the end of the social challenges I faced during my sophomore year (which were just a logical continuation of my freshman year), I saw that I had to become a leader.  Ironically, this was right around when I discovered metal music in earnest and developed a rabid passion for listening to music, instead of just dabbling in it.  Although it seems unconnected, I really feel that finding a genre of music that spoke to me was a hugely defining moment in finding my true sense of self.  Anyway, on to junior year.

Junior Year: A year of affirmation, strength, and friendship.  My transformation from the previous year now complete, it was time to show that it was all worth it and that I was a better person for it.  I took on numerous leadership roles, and began to see my actions in the grander scheme of things.  I wanted to lead by example, and to develop and flesh out my personal values more.  I took on the role of president in Wig and Buckle, and later on, Sinfonia.  I directed the winter musical, and led it on to become one of the most harmonious and successful productions to be seen in Leedy Theatre.  I saw myself uniting people, and playing the voice of reason. 
This was also visible in my academics.  I remained strong within my physics classes, and I was intrigued by everything that I learned.  I've now come to enjoy physics so much so that I am disheartened that I won't learn much "new" material in the next year.  I learned a lot and I finally got to know a lot of people within the program, something I had neglected up until this point.  This was my busiest, most stress filled year, but at the same time it was my best and most fulfilling.  I developed some great friendships, and I took more chances.  I learned to value the time I have with my friends.

I still consider my junior year to be my best year of college.  How could I deny the fun I had during that year?  Living with Chuck and Kazda (pre-falling off the face of the earth) was insanely fun, and some of my most memorable late night experiences took root in that room.  I directed Edwin Drood, and that turned out marvelous and was great fun.  My most memorable Sinfonia experiences also happened that year, such as the Penn State trip, Lyrecrest, and the parties.  Some of my previous friendships strengthened significantly.  My classes were among the most interesting I've ever had, save for two others in my senior year.  The conclusion of this year seemed like it left so many open possibilities, and for a while, it seemed like my senior year was going to be insane in so many ways.

There is another time period I simply cannot deny, and that was the summer of 2005, when I lived on LVC campus with Bob, and worked with Dr. Walck on Three-Qubit Entanglement.  Undeniably one of the best post-high school summers I've experienced, bar none.  The research and work I did was intense and inspiring.  Living with Bob was also quite the experience, and I'm really quite glad I had the opportunity, as I got to know him well during that time period.  The aura surrounding that whole summer just fills me with content.  It's hard to describe how intimate and comfortable the whole experience was for that summer.  Add in turning 21, visiting my Uncle Doug in Ohio, and going to Conclave, and you have the makings of one awesome summer.  It's going to be hard to top that experience.  The summer of 2005 was the logical continuation of my junior year.

The first of my senior year, once again, seemed like a logical continuation.  I had the great pleasure of taking Chinese Religion and Philosophy, one of the best classes I've ever had.  I had a main role in The Real Inspector Hound, which I look back on fondly.  Plus, I cannot forget the Thursday bar nights with Chuck, Jenilee, and Vanessa.  Those nights were the epitome of what post-21 college life was all about.  Although being Sinfonia president was a tough job, it was going reasonably well for a while.  It was a decent deal of work, but we were getting things done.

Then, the world as I knew it would turn upside down in a couple of short months.  I'll pass over some details, as it's not terribly necessary to detail them, and I'd rather them not be misinterpreted anyway.  It's the aftermath of them that's more important.

Fast forward to January.  I had been cast in Cabaret as Max, and we were in the first week of rehearsals.  As always, there is a bonding experience in the cast, although the experiences were more intimate than typical.  There was a spectre hanging over some of the proceedings, and I occasionally let it bother me quite a bit, although it was isolated at that time.  Then, everything culminated on the Friday night party Chuck and I threw at our Main Street apartment, the night that the police came and busted us.  Ever since that event, my last semester at LVC became a roller coaster ride filled with far more valleys than peaks.

The event in and of itself had no bearing on the rest of the semester.  I would have a few more run ins with disciplinary figureheads, but nothing earth-shattering or life altering.  Those events just served to make my life more uncomfortable.  They were hardly the source of my problems.

I plunged into a depression near the end of January, right around the height of cast morale for Cabaret, which was very strange for me.  I'm not going to get into why I fell into the depression.  Just look back at the few entries I made this past semester, most of them hint at my personal issues.  I've the admitted the majority of what was bothering me at this point and time, although there is one piece I've kept to myself for a variety of reasons.  Why do I keep it to myself?  Because after a large span of time it won't matter, and it carries enough consequential weight that admitting it would have been far worse than just keeping it to myself, regardless of the initial pain that ended up causing me.

So what happened?  In February, I started being controlled by my emotions.  I withdrew myself from the rest of the Cabaret cast and crew, and began to feel isolated.  As a by-product of my thought processes, I started to believe that the majority of the cast didn't likemy prescence, however untrue that may have been.  My role was an isolated one to begin with, so I didn't get much interaction with people on stage (btw, the size of the part has NOTHING to do with my experiences during that time period.  I'm always happy to play a part, no matter how big or small it is).  Then, during get togethers, I began letting my thoughts rule my life, and depress me in the midst of my peers.  I nearly hit rock bottom.

Things brightened up a little after that, about the time that the show had opened.  I assumed that I was going to be okay, and I pushed my thoughts aside, and for a good while, I did a good job ignoring them.  However, this whole ordeal did one thing.  It tarnished the Cabaret experience for me.  I'm the only person in that cast who did not have a good time, and I look back on that time period with regret.  Not because of the process of rehearsing the show, but because of the emotions I associate with the whole time period.  I voluntarily isolated myself from the cast, and I probably ruined the chance at some deep friendships, and even harmed some of my current ones.  So, when people would reminisce about the show, I usually clam up.  I truly have a hard time looking back on that whole time period, as I was emotionally screwed up.  It's a real shame really.  I wish I could share the excitement the rest of the cast felt, but I just can't.

In the meantime, I, for the most part, single-handedly planned Province 27 Workshop.  I know I shouldn't have done that, but with the mood I was in and the general lethargy I felt within the chapter towards the event, I felt that it was better off if I just planned everything myself.  It went without a hitch on my end, and the event reinvigorated the Sinfonian spirit in many of our members, so although it was stressful, I'm glad I was able to make it a smooth and streamlined process.

Enter Much Ado About Nothing.  I'm going to be frank, I'm not happy with how I handled the show as director, especially after having put together Edwin Drood so efficiently.  I was in over my head with an overly ambitious concept (the moving walls, and keeping the script essentially uncut) being applied to an already ambitious show (a two and a half hour Shakespeare play, yikes), and the over-eagerness of Dr. Pry (since he kept silent through most of Cabaret) to insert his input didn't help matters at all.  If I had eight weeks, I think I would have been fine.  But, the concept I had developed for the show had to be implemented in six weeks.  That was simply not enough time, ESPECIALLY with the crazy ass schedules my cast had as a whole.  In addition, the end of the school year syndrome struck some cast members, and some just weren't pulling their full weight in terms of analyzing their lines before rehearsal or were creating unncessary schedule conflicts (some of which were never passed to me in writing).  Between my ambitious concept, which I was unprepared to implement fully (I really should have planned a couple things out better), and the wavering mood and habits of some of the cast (which affect the unit as a whole), we ended up with a show that was almost literally put together at the last minute.  That tech week was hellish, probably the most hellish tech week I've experienced (baring The Crucible).  The show pulled together at the last minute, and the finished product was rather polished and enjoyable to watch.  Funny how those things worked out.  I still stand by the fact that if I had eight weeks, the show would have come together smoothly and without the stress experienced by the entire cast and crew.

There is another wrinkle to this late Much Ado time period.  The thoughts from earlier made a re-appearance right before tech week, and they persisted until the conclusion of college.  I kept telling myself to just ride the storm out, and for the most part, that's what I did.

So what's become of all this?  As I predicted, time away from college has done wonders for my personal issues.  My problems were ultimately connected to the college experience, and being away from that environment has really helped me recollect my wits and begin to pick up the pieces.  In due time, any issues will become mere memories, and no longer a present concern.  I realize now that I'll be fine, and I'll move on, like I always have.  If nothing else, this season of depression made me re-evaluate many portions of my life.

The second semester was not a complete loss.  My Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb class was fascinating, and it convinced me that history, well, at least modern history, is worth knowing, since it is connected to the events of today.  As a result, I am now reading a book that gives a great overview of the 20th century, from a world perspective.  It's quite the illuminating read.  In addition, I got into graduate school, which I will start in August.  My roommates became a source of solace during this period too, and we had many good times in that room, despite the initial breakdown by the Annville police.  I wouldn't trade those memories for the world.

So, that's my senior year in length.  Oh yeah, I was president of both Sinfonia and Wig and Buckle too.  It was generally uneventful on my end though, most of my drive behind those positions was dissipated by the events of February.  I truly regret not making more of those positions in my last semester.  Funny to say that although I still consider myself a leader, I'm quite ready to be a follower for a while.  I'm kinda sick of being in charge and trying to be the one to motivate others.  Thankfully, in grad school, I WON'T be the one in charge, at least, not right away.  I'll instead be a motivated follower.  I need to recharge, and this is the best way in which to do that.

Graduation itself wasn't as surreal as I expected it to be.  It was just another day, just like any other.  Actually, the brunt of everything didn't hit me until after I returned from Nebraska and was back at Eckerd (more on that in another post).  It was there that I realized I missed my friends and the comfort of LVC.  I know I must move on, but it's funny that it took until then for it to actually even sink in.

So, can I sum up senior year in a paragraph, like I did for the other three years?  Let's try:

Senior Year: A year of conflict and extremes.  At one end, I found myself being inspired by philosophy and modern history and having good times down at the bar, and at the other I found myself in the depths of depression and self-imposed isolation.  I really had to evaluate the person I had become, and see if my current self was worth anything.  I struggled with difficult thoughts and emotions.  Conflict seemed to permeate every aspect of the second half of my senior year, from my emotions, to the constant bullet-dodging I had to do on a PR level, to my experience as director for Much Ado About Nothing, and even towards where I should devote the majority of my energies.  This year was a battle between my old self (high school to sophomore year) and my new self (up to present) caused by a strong catalyst beyond my control.  I toughed it out, and in the aftermath, I see that it was my new self that eventually won.  The parallels between this year and my senior year of high school are in high evidence, and I'm glad that I didn't regress as a result.  I know I'll look back on this and see it as another defining moment in my life.

Going off that tangent, I really wonder how all this will carry into my graduate experience.  I'm emotionally worn, and have a cynicism about many things that initially did not exist, even at the beginning of my senior year of college.  I'm more moderate now in my outlooks (after my very liberal junior year), and I refuse to take second-hand information with anything but a grain of salt.  I saw what spreading myself too thin can do.  If nothing else, the emotional challenges I faced will make it easier to move on to a new environment.  It seems like that is always the impetus behind my new directions in life, emotional fatigue.  I have a feeling my interactions in graduate school with my peers will be quite unlike my undergrad years.  I doubt I can ever relive those moments.  I need to move on, I need to change gears and progress.  I've never been one to stick with the familiar for too long.  So, now I am at my next chapter of life.  Who knows where it'll lead me? 

Anyway, I really ought to go to bed.  It's 2 AM, and I have to work at 8:30 AM.  Blech...

Later.