Alright, let's see how well this works.  I've got plenty to do before I can formally graduate, and if I don't make a schedule for myself, I can't see how I'll get everything done in a timely fashion.  So here goes:

Finals
Friday, 9:00 AM - Second Age of Empires
Friday, 3:20 PM - Acting Lab Meeting
Tuesday, 9:00 AM - Linear Algebra
Wednesday, 10:30 AM - Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb Meeting
Wednesday, 2:00 PM - Introduction to Electronics

Papers
Second Age of Empires Essay - Due Wednesday
Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb Essay - Due Wednesday

Schedule
Friday
7:45 AM - Wake up
7:45 AM - 8:50 AM - Study for Second Age of Empires Quiz
9:00 AM - 9:30 AM - Take Second Age of Empires Quiz
9:30 AM - 12:00 PM - Print out Acting Lab Games and do my laundary.
12:00 PM - 1:00 PM - Shower/Lunch
1:00 PM - 3:00 PM - Research my Second Age of Empires essay
3:30 PM - 5:00 PM - Either finish research on my Second Age of Empires essay or begin writing it.
5:00 PM - 5:30 PM - Dinner
5:30 PM - 7:30 PM - Begin/Continue writing my Second Age of Empires essay
8:00 PM  onward - Go to Todd Snovel's Cinco De Mayo/Senior Send-off Party

Saturday
9:30 AM - Wake up/Shower
10:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Finish up my Second Age of Empires essay, correct it, etc.
12:00 PM - 12:30 PM - Lunch
1:00 PM - 3:00 PM - Begin outline of Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb essay
3:30 PM - 5:00 PM - Begin writing Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb essay
5:00 PM - 5:30 PM - Dinner
5:30 PM onward - Work on my Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb essay

Sunday
9:30 AM - Wake up/Shower
10:00 AM - 11:00 AM - Type up paragraph about my Introduction to Electronics project/Draw up schematic.
11:00 AM - 11:30 AM - Brunch
12:00 PM - 4:00 PM - Study old Linear Algebra material.
4:00 PM - onward - Various stuff related to Senior Send-off for Sinfonia

Monday
10:00 AM - Wake up/Shower
10:30 AM - Hand in my Introduction to Electronics project and Second Age of Empires paper.
11:00 AM - 11:30 AM - Lunch
12:00 PM - 1:30 PM - Study new Linear Algebra material.
1:30 PM - 2:15 PM - Help Amy Gilkey pack costumes into her car.
2:30 PM - 4:00 PM - Study new Linear Algebra material.
4:00 PM - 5:00 PM - Break
5:00 PM - 6:00 PM - Senior Picture on Chapel Steps/Dinner
6:00 PM - 8:00 PM - Review all Linear Algebra notes briefly.
8:00 PM onward - Break

Tuesday
8:00 AM - Wake up/Shower
9:00 AM - 12:00 PM - Take Linear Algebra final
12:00 PM - 12:30 PM - Lunch
1:00 PM - 3:00 PM - Study for Introduction to Electronics final/Make notecards.
3:00 PM - ? - Pack up some stuff and send it home in my mom's van.
? onward - Finish studying for the Introduction to Electronics final.

Wednesday
9:30 AM - Wake up/Shower
10:20 AM - 12:30 PM - Go to Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb Meeting/Hand in Oppenheimer essay
12:30 PM - 1:00 PM - Lunch
1:00 PM - 2:00 PM - Break
2:00 PM - 5:00 PM - Intro to Electronics final
5:00 PM onward - CELEBRATE!!!

I really hope I can hold to this schedule, because as it works out, I get all the difficult work done early on, and things get easier throughout the week.  Here's hoping all goes well.

And yes, I will update this as stuff happens.

Later.
---
Update #1: Turned in my acting lab assignment, and rearranged the schedule a little.

Update #2: Just finished my Second Age of Empires paper!  I've fallen behind on my schedule already due to some unexpected trips and stuff, so I revised it.  Tuesday isn't looking as cool as it once was.  I'll be starting my Oppenheimer essay after dinner.

Update #3: My Oppenheimer and the Atomic Bomb essay is now finished.  With that, all my paper obligations are finished!  I've been slacking with my Linear Algebra review, but at this point, I'm not too worried.  It'll get done, and I'll do well enough to graduate.

Update #4: Just took my Linear Algebra final.  It was brutal, but I made it through, and I probably did decently well on it.  I had a revelation on how to approach half the problems about one hour into the exam, and that carried me through to the end.  Just one more written final to go!

Update #5: I am done!!!  My undergraduate career has officially ended, and I'll be getting my degree on Saturday.  Sometimes I never thought I'd get through this semester, but here I am!

So I've written a new poem today.  So in addition to revealing a poem I wrote a few weeks ago, I'm also going to post a new one.

This poem isn't exactly the most positive thing I've ever written.  In all actuality, it's probably the most depressing and self-deprecating piece of verse I've ever composed.  But, these are feelings that I needed to explore and express in written word.  They were festering underneath the surface, and I needed an outlet for them.  Part of me is saying that I shouldn't even publish this to the public right now and that I should wait a month before revealing it.  But, I really need to air this dirty laundary.

I've been in a bit of a funk recently, and this poem is the result of me exploring the causes of it, the consequences behind it, and how it makes me feel.  As with most of my poems, it's concerned with a form of love, although you wouldn't actually know it until the very last line.  It's bitter, it's honest, and it's blunt.

I'm not quite sure what has happened to me this semester emotionally.  This has been one of the weirdest, most emotional semesters of my life.  Over the summer, I said that my life typically goes in three year cycles, based on my past.  However, college is the first time a fourth year was added to this cycle, and the first semester was pretty cool.  The second semester though, I can't tell if it's been a good one or a bad one.  My emotions have been thrown all over the place.  I guess for some of my concerns, I just need to graduate and let time and separation do its work.

Please don't misinterpret this.  Yes, I'm not exactly happy right now, but writing stuff like this is how I deal with my emotions, since I really have no where else to go with them.  This is a fictional representation of my personal feelings, so take it for what you will.  Parts of it are complete fiction, and others are based on pieces of my life.  So anyway, here it is:

A Neutral Chaos

A waking sleep suspends my rational state
Of mind, replacing logic with a sigh
Of swelling motion, sapping strength within
The caustic chamber closed within my chest.
These myriad events strike and stop my mind.
I let the chaos reign and guide my path,
Submitting to its never-ending scorn.

This tempest of a heavy heart and soul
Was stirred amidst the flowing structure of
The daily dealings of the campus life.
For here and there were thoughts all formed in sound,
And sent to rumble in our inner ears.
A comment here, lamenting there, all passed
And penetrated far beyond the space
For which such songs were to travel near.

The subject of these musings struck a chord
And resonated quite curiously,
For dissonance, not harmony, ensued.
A proper man was sculpted in a tune
And only I perceived the sour notes,
Which hid amidst a list of goodly traits.
These qualities are tempered well, but truth
Reveals the sacred and sought timbre’s sound:
A shining, outward appearance will conquer, trumping all!

This radiant sheen I do not possess,
Nor does a rust deform my neutral gleam.
No acts of passion can this plainness stir.
A genderless, “uncounted” attitude
Is taken towards my outward interpretation.
My inward qualities shall never see
Much more than a friendly, neutral glance.
And life’s approaching decade tells the tale
That “neutral” ones are used, and never loved.

I know the way in which my heart is bent,
A way that’s filled with everlasting pain.
I try and work to trick my moving heart,
But it corrects just like a compass point.
So please forgive my sad “neutrality,”
For though my heart is unrequited still,
I cannot help but be in love with you.

I first debuted this poem as an away message on AIM, so it's about time to commit it to here.  I wrote this about a week into April.  I'm sad to say that the initial inspiration behind the construction of this poem is no longer present, but that still doesn't take anything away from it.  So, here we go:

A Vivid Encounter

Within a quaint and lively little room
A gentle glow illuminated all.
There, conversations echoed, framing life
In many microcosms, separate
Yet linked by human bonds and mortal ties.

And in this hallowed hall I met my guest,
And joined we both in sacred word and song.
Exchanges intertwined as thoughts soared free,
And unity electrified the scene.
My spirit leapt within this energy,
Engaged within the present moment's thrall.

The seconds sped along their fated path
As fict'nal journeys turned to actual ones.
But, then, a silence spread about our space.
The parting hour sang its sullen note,
Suspending our illuminating tune
Until a later, undecided date.
And as we voiced farewells beside the door
I swear I felt eternal bliss contained
Within a single, solitary pause.

It seems like the nasty bug that infected me during tech week of Drood has once again decided to rear its ugly head.  Thank god IBProfin keeps things under control.

Thank goodness the weekend is almost here.

Just a short update.

Later.

Well, this past weekend was a mental health weekend of sorts.  On Friday night, I went to Conserv and had a blast.  The highlight of the night was slow-dancing to Dream Theater's "Hollow Years," which was my personal addition to the playlist.  The crowd seemed to enjoy the song, and had no idea that the ballad they were listening to came from a progressive metal outfit.  It made me smile inside, anyway.

Speaking of Dream Theater, I went to their DVD taping concert this past Saturday.  HOLY... SHIT... it was one of the best concerts I've been to.  They pulled out all the stops for this show.  They played rarieties and fan favorites.  They opened with "The Root of All Evil" and "I Walk Beside You," and then pulled out the rare "Another Won."  They followed this up with "Afterlife," "Under A Glass Moon," and the rarely played "Innocence Faded," a song where James LaBrie got to demonstrate how he has finally regained the clarity and range his voice had during the Awake sessions (LaBrie ruptured a vocal cord due to a food poisoning incident many years ago.  In addition, during the Train of Thought sessions he started studying under a new vocal coach, who has effectively retaught James how to sing properly and consistently.  His vocal cords have now fully recovered, and his new coach has helped him regain the control and range he once had back during his Images and Words and Awake days).  They then played the Falling Into Infinity B-side "Raising the Knife," which has been begging for a mainstream release for years.  They then closed their first set with the fan-favorite, "The Spirit Carries On."  For their second set they brought out a 25-piece orchestra and played the full 42 minutes of "Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence."  They then proceeded to play "Vacant," "The Answer Lies Within," "Sacrificed Sons," and "Octavarium" with the orchestra.  Then, they finished up with an encore of "Metropolis," once again with the orchestra.  It was really amazing to witness this, and the orchestra added a new dynamic element to their music.  They sometimes let the orchestra play parts that Jordan Rudess would normally play on his keyboard, and sometimes the orchestra played a totally new melody that added to the mood and overall sound.  I've never been so happy at a concert before.  This really helped to recharge me and bring me back into higher spirits.

Then, on Sunday, I went to see The Irish.... And How They Got That Way at the Fulton.  It was a musical review of sorts, and very entertaining.  The show had poignant stories to tell about Irish oppression and hardships; stories that I had never heard nor considered before.  The show refired the desire within me to try and understand history and politics better, as I've neglected those for years.  On top of this, many parts of the show were just damn funny.  If anyone gets a chance to see this show, I whole-heartedly recommend it.

I finally got to pass along my Sinfonian presidency to Todd Boden.  Yet another burden has been lifted off my back.  I'm still going to be quite active with Sinfonia, but the position was a source of stress, and I must admit that I'm glad that I finally got to pass it on.  I feel like I'll be a better resource post-presidency anyway.

On top of this, there's another thing that intrigues me, and has been making me feel happier.  This isn't something I'm going to share with the public (as of this writing, no one can claim to know what I'm talking about here), but suffice it to say it makes me feel better about myself in some ways.  Just the existance of possibility and change is a fresh burst of energy, and even if it doesn't work out exactly the way I'd want it to, I'll still be happier than I had been during the end of January and beginning of February.

Although I still have plenty of work, I don't feel as stressed or burned out anymore.  This is quite good.

I really ought to go to sleep now.

Later.

It's funny how when you expect a semester to be your easiest turns out to be quite difficult.  That's the position I've found myself in for the past couple of months.  I'm taking only twelve credits, but between all my work and responsibilities I haven't had a waking moment to myself.  And, it's getting increasingly difficult to stay motivated about my schoolwork.  At this point, I feel like just throwing my hands up and saying, "fuck it."  I admit it, I bit off more than I could chew this semester.

This next part is going to be cryptic.  I apologize.  I have stuff I want to say, but because of what it involves, I need to write in a vague manner.  The main thing I can state is that it doesn't involve me.  These are observations I have made.  Anyway, here goes: More shit is going down (not directly related to me in any way), and there are some things I just can't understand.  The timeframes are different, and the circumstances are different, but yet the consequences are similar.  In life, there are just some things that aren't worth the stress, especially given the context on this one.  It's confusing to hear one thing professed, and the opposite revealed when push comes to shove.  Yeah, I'm trying to rationalize something that isn't terribly rational.  But, I guess my frustration stems from hearing conflicting conclusions.  Something isn't adding up here.  And, I can't let myself get overly invested again.  I saw what it did last time, and I don't need that again.  I hate to harden my sympathy, but sanity is all I have left, and I can't lose that again.

On a lighter note, I had a really cool conversation Saturday night while at a party.  I've had conversations with people that have had similar views to my own, but never really to the extent that we were on the same page about basically everything, and that includes politics, religion, academics, and some life philosophies.  Not only that, but the broad range of interests that we both have (not limited to either of our fields) was also refreshing, since I'm used to people being stuck in one or two areas of interest, while I tend to have an active interest in almost everything.  It's a shame the two of us didn't know each other until recently (heck, we were both on campus over the summer, but never talked).  Well, just means that I need to make the most of my last weeks on campus.

I really should get some sleep.  I need to get up early and meet with Dr. Day about an emergency graduate school application.  The current line-up I applied to has been abysmal; I have been rejected by four of the five schools, and I'm waiting to hear back from the fifth university, which is Syracuse.  I'm not holding out for a miracle in this case.  So yeah, I've got some re-evaluations to make with my life in addition to everything else.

Later.

Just dropping in to state that I'm still alive, although very busy.  For the time being, here's an online quiz result:

English Genius You scored 92% Beginner, 92% Intermediate, 93% Advanced, and 93% Expert!

You did so extremely well, even I can't find a word to describe your excellence! You have the uncommon intelligence necessary to understand things that most people don't. You have an extensive vocabulary, and you're not afraid to use it properly! Way to go! Thank you so much for taking my test. I hope you enjoyed it! For the complete Answer Key, visit my blog: http://shortredhead78.blogspot.com/.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 31% on Beginner You scored higher than 16% on Intermediate You scored higher than 48% on Advanced You scored higher than 84% on Expert

Link: The Commonly Confused Words Test written by shortredhead78 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

Confirmations...

Well, at least I know I wasn't hallucinating or anything.  Sure, I kept trying to reinterpret the stuff that was staring me in the face in an attempt to give it a different context, but yeah...

It's the same as always.  The same damn cycle, the same end result.  Here I am, a senior in college, and all I see is myself from four years ago, and wondering if I've learned anything at all.

In some ways, this is my fault.  In some ways, it is not, and the blame lies elsewhere.  What I do know is that I've dealt with more than is fair.  One would think a lesson would be learned, as opposed to it being reversed and directed elsewhere. 

Though, if I have learned anything, it's that love is quite the fickle emotion, and it tends to destroy one thing as it cultivates another.  I saw this four years ago, and low and behold, here it is again.  My view of "love" has become increasingly negative in the past couple months, and as of now, I doubt that's going to change anytime soon.

There is no permanence.  I see that now.  There is only the current moment.  Friendship, love, loyalty... it's all subject to change, and there seems to be hardly any logic behind it.  I should be happy that I have felt any of this at all, but instead, it just does just the opposite.  It makes me feel stupid for feeling that these things could be permanent, for me attempting to hold true to them.  In the end, it leads to one feeling, the sense of being abandoned for the sake of change. 

And so I resume my journey through life alone.  Each passing day makes it more and more obvious that I'm resigned to this fate.  If it isn't an unrequited love, it's a fading friendship.  It's the one constant in my life anymore.  Everything else just comes and goes in waves.

I'm just sick of having to rediscover this every few years.  Maybe I've finally learned my lesson.

I have a new record for late night set building.  I stayed up all night and helped to build more of the Cabaret set.  As of this writing, there are still a few more things to get done, and around 3 PM I will be there to finish what needs to be done (mainly building another platform for the pit).  Then at 8 PM, we open to the general public.

As my last entry stated, I'm feeling better, and I'm no longer feeling that depressed.  However, that has been replaced with confusion, frustration and, at times, anger.  I'm going to try and let this weekend pass before I jump to conclusions, although it's getting increasingly more difficult to not speak my mind right now.  I can't help but feel like something I cherish is leaving me behind.  That's all I'm going to say about that.

I really want to believe there is at least one bit of permanence in this ever-changing world, and this situation isn't helping.  Such is life, I guess.

I'm going to lie down or something, as I'm still quite tired.

Later.

I removed the previous entry for various reasons.

I'm feeling much better than I was.  I had a talk with one of my friends, and it lifted my spirits significantly.  What happened was I let my emotions spiral out of control, and then let it influence how I viewed myself in a social context.  Not fun.

I think I'm back to where I need to be.

Just a quick update.

Later.